Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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