I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
