wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize