meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
He uses pillows to masturbate.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
