I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
