I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
