watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
