My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
