thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
