Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
