I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
