Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
