I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
