It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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