so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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