I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize
