He disabled his match.com account in front of me
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
