This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
