don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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