I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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