I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
