we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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