I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
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