You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize