I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I have aggressive nipples.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
