nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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