so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
