No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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