well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
