we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
