a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
