My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
