Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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