dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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