shes about as inviting as chlamydia
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
