I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
