I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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