i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Naked. naked and bneed help.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize