the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
