i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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