You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
