Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
