Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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