So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize