Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
