I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
