Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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