I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize