My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
