you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My dick has a subreddit
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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