they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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