Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
