Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
