there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
