We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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