ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
