I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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