i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
