I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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