My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
