her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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