On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
