just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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