apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
not ubering you a puppy
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
