You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
